Funnys

(Last updated 15/04/05 With Peter Kay Jokes)
(Newest Joke 1983)


The Genius of Peter Kay

  1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?
  2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
    Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way,so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  3. My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
    For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
  4. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
  5. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
  6. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  7. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
    But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
    From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
  8. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
  9. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
  10. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
    I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
  11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
  12. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  13. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...

  1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
  2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
  3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
  5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
  6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
  8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
  9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
  10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
  11. What do people in China call their good plates?
  12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  13. What do you call male ballerinas?
  14. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
  15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them,
    but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
  18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  19. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride,
    he sticks his head out of the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

  1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
  4. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
  5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
  6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
  7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  8. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  9. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
  10. You never know where to look when eating a banana
  11. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
  12. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
  13. Rummaging in an overgrow n garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
  14. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  15. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
  16. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
  17. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  18. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
  19. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
  20. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
  21. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
  22. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  23. You never ever run out of salt.
  24. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  25. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
  26. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
  27. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
  28. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
  29. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
  30. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
  31. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
  32. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
  33. Bricks are horrible to carry.
  34. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
  35. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad


Top 25 newspaper headlines of the 90's

  1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
  2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
  3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
  5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
  12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
  14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  17. War Dims Hope for Peace
  18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
  23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Quick one or two liners

  1. Two peanuts walk into a bar.
    One was a salted

  2. A jump-lead walks into a bar.
    The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  3. A sandwich walks into a bar.
    The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

  4. Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
    "Pint please, and one for the road."

  6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
    The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

  7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
    One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

  8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."

  9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
    Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

  10. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

  11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy"

  12. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

  13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
    And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    It's either my mum or my dad.
    Or my older brother Colin.
    Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
    But I think it's Colin.

  14. I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day
    ... but I couldn't find any.
  15. I went to the butchers the other day.
    I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
    He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

  16. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
    He was pulled in by a strong currant.

  17. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

  18. I went to a seafood disco last week
    ... and pulled a muscle.

  19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
    but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
    Proving once and for all:
    You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  20. A Zen Budhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says...
    "Make me one with everything"


Popular with the girls

Robbo and Muzza were on holiday in Mooloolaba, strutting their stuff on the beach.
Muzza was growing increasingly annoyed by all the female attention Robbo was getting. One night it got too much "Robbo" he's said rightly "why is it you have girls flocking around you when they don't even take a second look at me. I mean it's not as if your pec's are any larger than mine....and I'm taller, browner, more chiselled and really just better looking than you. Tell me then why is it you get so much girly action Robbo?"
"I'll let you into a secret Muzza...what I do is I get a kumura and stick it down my speedo's ... the girls just love it!"
"Aaww great Robbo ... I knew there must be some trick to it" The next day Muzza walks out on to the beach with renewed confidence and a kumura down his speedo's. Muzza can't believe it when the bikini clad babes steer an even wider berth around him and zero in on Robbo.
That night in the hotel bar:
"Robbo you told me lies. You said I'd have more luck with this kumura down my speedo's. All that (sob) happened was they kept even further away (sob)"
"Well Muzza ... I don't think you should give up just yet. (Robbo takes a swig of his beer) I only have one word of advice ... try the kumura around the front of your speedo's this time!

Mr Whippy

Inspector Hokey pushed his way through the huge crowd that had gathered outside the Mr Whippy van and peered over the counter where he saw Mr Whippy lying on the ground covered in cream, hundreds and thousands, chocolate hail and a flake poking out of his mouth.

"Hello, hello, hello ... what have we here?" he said to the young constable.

"looks like 'es topped 'imself guv!"

THE Basil the Rat Joke

Nigel the Rat was sitting preening has whiskers in the sun at his favourite sewage outlet.

All of a sudden, he sees a figure appearing from the darkness of the sewage pipe. Moving at quite a speed, it soon becomes apparent that it's his good mate Basil... RIDING ON A TURD!!

"BASIL! BASIL ! What are you doing surfing that turd?" Nigel asks.

"I'm trying to stay off the piss!" replies Basil